From Tarot to Humanism: facing reality while dealing with bipolar disorder

By Gaia

Gaia is a real person who was born in Saudi Arabia. She recently discovered humanism and immediately identified with it. In this fascinating article, she explains how bipolar disorder tricked her into believing that the universe was communicating special messages to her through tarot cards. Science and therapy helped her break the cycle of illusion.

I will take you on a short trip into my mind – a shifting reality defined my experiences while thoughts transported me beyond the physical world, and dreams, together with visions and coincidences, seemed like messages from the divine. The unseen forces weren't just belief to me, but they were tangible experiences. I perceived voices that didn't exist alongside figures invisible to others and I experienced touches that made my spine shiver. My arm received a gentle stroke while pressure built on my shoulder, creating the feeling of an unseen presence standing behind me. The events I experienced led me to believe that I had made a connection with an otherworldly domain that held secrets beyond human comprehension.

“I interpreted these experiences as indications that I had spiritual talents and a stronger bond with the universe than others.”

With hindsight, I recognise that my bipolar disorder significantly influenced these experiences. During that period, I accepted everything without question. I never thought my intense feelings and vivid imagination were symptoms. I interpreted these experiences as indications that I had spiritual talents and a stronger bond with the universe than others. I thought the universe communicated with me to lead me to a greater path, while spiritual teachers amplified my belief in my spiritual abilities.

Seeking answers with my vague mind

Have you ever heard about tarot? Tarot cards served as my guide and they provided stability in my turbulent world. Each spread appeared as a direct message, while every card provided an answer. After shuffling the cards, I requested guidance from them, and they provided the answers. At least, that's how it felt. Every time life events took shape, they appeared to match the tarot card readings exactly. Drawing The Tower from the deck would signal an immediate disruption. The appearance of The Lovers in my reading was always a sure sign that I was in the right relationship. Even though it was abusive, it all made sense—until it didn't.

“I believed the universe was sending me a message.”

The tarot readings sparked an electrifying sensation whenever I was in a manic state. They affirmed my conviction in my destined role within the grand universal scheme. Whenever I experienced a burst of energy linked to a decision, I believed the universe was sending me a message. The feeling that I possessed divine knowledge sent me into a state of intoxication.

But then came the depressive episodes. The magic of the tarot vanished when my energy faded, and life lost its meaning. I shuffled the deck to ask for guidance from the cards but failed to find any meaningful answers. The messages which used to hold deep meaning now seemed hollow to me. I experienced abandonment because the world around me no longer communicated with me. My spiritual connection disintegrated because I couldn't bear the heaviness of my despair any longer.

And yet, I kept chasing it. I longed to regain the assurance of being guided and protected like before. I searched for direction through tarot readers and psychics who could reveal the path I could not find.

Losing money to illusions

My desperation for understanding, especially when manic, drove me to spend more money than I cared to on people who professed they could see my future better than I could. Each reading appeared valuable to me during that period. Their words always brought me validation alongside hope and purpose. The messages felt comforting, although they remained ambiguous. They provided me with a sense of hope and something tangible to believe in.

Tarot readers excel at understanding individuals rather than predicting future events. They capture your hidden wishes and fears and project them back at you with deep resonance. I left readings with a sense of empowerment but discovered nothing had truly changed except my thinner wallet. It took me a long time to realise that the readings I received held no real meaning. I experienced deep pain when I realised that both the tarot readers and my own mind had tricked me.

Seeing people in false colours

My bipolar thinking presented a grave hazard because it distorted how I perceived the people around me. During manic phases, I viewed people through an overly optimistic lens, which often led to misjudgements. When I encountered a new person, I instantly developed a profound bond that felt as though we were meant to meet. Despite clear warning signs, I chose to overlook them and told myself that specific individuals were destined for my life regardless of the consequences. I viewed individuals through my biased lens and interpreted kindness where manipulation existed and loyalty where betrayal prevailed. My belief in people led me to share too much information and trust them too quickly, which resulted in personal harm. The reality became apparent to me only after I became depressed, but it was already too late because the damage had been done. People used me for their own ends before leaving me to deal with the remains of my destroyed dreams. Despite knowing better, the return of mania would see me repeating my mistakes all over again.

I became unable to track how many times this cycle occurred. I believed I had learned my lesson every single time. I repeatedly fell into familiar patterns, which involved trusting others too quickly and accepting their words without scepticism.

“Without my special connection to something greater, I had to ask myself who I really was. Science revealed to me an unexpected truth about my nature—I am human.”

Breaking the cycle with science

I started to understand things differently when I faced my bipolar disorder head-on. Therapy, medication, and deep introspection forced me to ask the hard questions: “What if my experiences weren't supernatural?” and “Maybe all the things I experienced—the touches and the voices and the visions—were just illusions created by my own brain." At first, the thought terrified me. Without my special connection to something greater, I had to ask myself who I really was. Science revealed to me an unexpected truth about my nature—I am human. My mind displayed remarkable qualities but contained its own defects as well. My brain chemistry created those hallucinations. My brain displayed confirmation bias when I interpreted tarot connections because it was looking for patterns that did not actually exist. The trusted people in my life were mere humans not selected by destiny—I had wrongly assessed them.

Accepting this truth wasn't easy. I had to release the idea that I possessed a supernatural bond with something outside the physical realm. I had to acknowledge that my personal experiences were not supernatural endowments but manifestations of a mental health disorder. The experience was painful, but it was a freeing moment for me.

“Humanism taught me something far more powerful: meaning doesn't emerge from the universe as a gift. It's something we create for ourselves.”

Finding meaning in reality

I spent numerous years pursuing hidden signs in search of meaning beyond what I could see. But humanism taught me something far more powerful: meaning doesn't emerge from the universe as a gift. It's something we create for ourselves. Real human connection became my source of purpose instead of cosmic messages. My relationships developed through shared understanding instead of mystical intuition. My decisions came from logical thinking and self-awareness instead of tarot readings and random events. I learned to trust my own judgement and resilience above any psychic readings or mystical forces.

Occasionally, my mind attempts to draw me back to my previous pattern of thought. An impulse exists within me to look for omens and analyse coincidences extensively, while allowing people to earn my trust prematurely. But now, I catch myself. I question my thoughts. Reality suffices for me, and I don't need to find meaning in illusions. I'd never before experienced this profound sense of being grounded. This feeling is stronger than any vision or tarot card reading and surpasses all whispers from unseen sources.