By Jason Croasdell
Jason shares his satirical take on what it's like to be autistic. These two short articles provide a humorous glimpse into his world and the everyday frustrations of interacting with neurotypicals.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at the age of 16. I am 50 now. I write a diary each year, and in early 2024 I wrote the “Autism for sale (*for neurotypicals only)” piece. The idea didn’t come instantly but was a result of trying to make some friends as an adult over the last 10 years. They (the neurotypicals) were socialising in ways that weren’t compatible with my needs, or were making things unnecessarily hard.
Autism for sale (*for neurotypicals only)
If you aren’t diagnosed as autistic, you can be described as neurotypical.
Roll up, roll up, come and get your autism. For only £15 a month, you too can be fully on the autistic spectrum, on a one-month rolling contract. Our welcome pack contains: a Bluetooth neural Implant (that gives you the full and varying spectrum of autism) and links to our app for your smart phone; coloured glasses, earplugs, two new stim toys; and a magazine each month. Our award-winning mag called Planet Aspie will give tips and advice: on which obsessive interest topics are trending; on how and where to meet others who are also not fitting in; on how to cope with being socially awkward and excluded; on stimming, self-soothing, meltdowns and shutdowns. A reviewer wrote: “This app is brilliant! At home and in the workplace, I can excessively talk about my new obsessive interest. I can be blunt, direct, unaware of the social cues, have no filter to what I say, be dismissive of everyone’s distress or need for emotional reassurance or touch and get away with it. When they complain, I show them the hugely popular Autism is for Everyone! app on my iPhone 16. Human Resources are so frustrated, they can’t get rid of me." *Terms and conditions apply.
It wasn’t until Monday 11th November 2024 that I realised that I needed to write the “Certificate of Neurotypicalness” piece. This article is about how neurotypical people function in society and the difficulties I face with people’s behaviour and dishonesty.
Certificate of Neurotypicalness
Your Certificate of Neurotypicalness is issued at birth and might be revoked once diagnosed as autistic or other. Our welcome pack contains: our Behavioural Activated Conditioning Programme; links to our “How to social” app for your smartphone that partially suppresses your significant autistic like traits and maximises your social difficulties. This comes as standard with our patented “U-Suck Pro”TM technology that allows you to:
Go to a public social event with a friend but with no intention of meeting others. You might talk to the same new people for several months but never ever give them your email or phone number.
Form a clique so that new people can't penetrate your group.
Don't tell someone new, even if you have known them for several months or years, what you want from them or like about them. Don't look for or accept anything they might want to offer you. This could be an emotional aspect of their personality e.g. honesty, consistency, loyalty or creativity. This keeps them disconnected from your life, so you won't be singled out as someone they know, feel accepted by or feel safe being with.
Encourages you to become angry, hostile and scolding when someone new disrupts your enjoyment of your social activity because they are in distress due to social isolation.
Go to social events that are really loud, so that new people must shout small talk questions at you with their brightly coloured megaphones.
Not manage your time properly, meaning you can under or overestimate your availability.
Make minimal or no effort in getting to know someone outside of a single context no matter how hard they try.
Not show any interest when somebody asks you to join them in a shared social activity (even when asked directly).
Fake interest, when you have no interest in joining them or cancel at the last moment. Don't respond by saying “yes”, “no”, “don't know”, “wait”, or “I'm not interested”.
Leave them hanging, wondering what’s happening or what they did wrong and then not tell them.
Make judgements about other people's behaviour, what they said, what they did, how they smell or look, but never tell them, all without any consequences for yourself.
Make every new person you meet think it’s their fault that they can’t please or motivate you. Rinse and repeat until they are thoroughly pissed off and don’t bother you anymore.”
And they say satire is dead.